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The single most important relationship skill is not communication, it’s taking ownership.

Successful relationships require taking ownership of your “experience.”

What is Your “Experience?”

Your “experience” is what happens inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

Your experience is involuntary, it just “happens.” It’s neither good or bad or right or wrong. Your experience is always OK and valid.

Your Thoughts

We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express ourselves, make a decision, etc.

And some of our thoughts are judgments. A “judgment” is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event (right, wrong, good, bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc).

Facts vs. Judgments

You and a friend go for a walk. You say “It’s a beautiful day.”

Your friend responds “No, it sucks.”

Your reaction is to be surprised. You can’t imagine how anyone could experience such a warm, sunny day to “suck.” Your impulse might be to argue with them- “Are you kidding? Look at that clear blue sky. It’s a gorgeous day!”

This is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more relationship conflict than anything else you can imagine.

So let’s take a look at this. You observe the following facts:

The sky is blue

The temperature is 76 degrees

You are walking in a park

Facts are typically measureable events and can be observed through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as “Is the sky blue?” you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that it is blue (except from the color blind!).If you poll 100 people and ask “Is the sky pretty?”, you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will typically get less than 100% agreement.

Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as “beautiful,” the temperature as “perfect” and “comfortable,” and your body “feels good” to get exercise by walking. These are meanings you’ve created from your experience of the facts or events.

Your friend’s experience is negative. We don’t know why yet, but there are many reasons why they might judge the day to “suck.”

You Have a Choice

In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in your response to your difference of opinion about the day-

Option 1: Focus on the difference (e.g. “Are you crazy? Look at that blue sky and tell me it’s not a beautiful day!”

Option 2: Focus on curiousity, compassion (e.g. “What’s going on for you?”

The unconscious knee-jerk response is often to focus on the difference in our experiences and judgments. This choice discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn’t mirror ours and leads to conflict.

It requires a conscious choice to accept differences and not impose our own experience and judgments on others. To come from a place of curiosity about and compassion for a human being who we care about who thinks and feels differently from ourselves.

The Importance of Ownership

It is not someone else’s fault that you are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indifferent. It is coming completely from inside you.

The principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner provides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings we create and the actions we take.

Behavior follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don’t strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judgments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and your life and relationships will suffer.

How to Take Ownership- A Four Step Paradigm

I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgments, and Feelings-

Facts- usually a measureable event (“the sky is blue”)

Judgments- the meaning we make of the event (“the blue sky is pretty”)

Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)

Oftentimes, what we human beings do, especially when we’re upset or excited, is we make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact.

“You make me so angry.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“I love you.”

“War is hell.”

“Ice cream is good.”

These are all judgments you might feel so strongly about you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.

It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.

Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments.

Then, our judgments stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.

And this all happens in the blink of an eye.

We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are.

If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take.

This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you’re not mixing in judgments.

Step One: Review the facts

“OK, the sky is blue, we’re walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said “It’s a beautiful day” and my friend said “No, it sucks.”

Step Two: Review your judgments

“Hmm, I believe it’s a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn’t getting it at all.”

Step Three: Identify your feelings

“I’m glad it’s such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity.”

Step Four: Make a conscious choice

Once you’ve separated the facts from your judgments and feelings you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.

In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren’t “getting it.”

The Power of Taking Ownership

It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgments, and feelings; some that we want to identify with, and some that we don’t. It is common to confuse judgments with facts because we believe them so strongly. It is common to confuse feelings with judgments as well (e.g. “I feel like you’re so wrong about that!”). It is common to have conflicting reactions, such as “You’re a jerk” and “I love you” at the same time.

While our experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we say and do about it.

Therefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. There are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful and happy life and relationship.

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. http://www.ConsciousDating.com/book.htm

It’s no secret that cigarette smoking is a deadly habit and that countless people suffer respiratory diseases as well as other ailments because of smoking. Furthermore, smoking also causes bad breath, coughing, and stained teeth – hardly things to impress people.

As such, it’s understandable that many people want to take smoking cessation steps and live healthier lives. Maybe you are one such person and are in the middle of a battle to kick the habit? Maybe you’ve even tried using a stop smoking drug and are wondering if there are other ways to quit smoking Well, look no further.

We’ve complied 10 ways to quit smoking, TEN TIPS that that you can practice as quit smoking aids. True, there’s no easy way to quit smoking but there are many things to do to combat the addiction and you will do well to at least try some, if not all of the following tips.

Smoking Cessation Tip 1 – Decide to Quit.
Wanting to quit is different from actually making a decision to quit. Declare it! Write a potential date for when you are going to quit, remind yourself that you have made up your mind about it. It all starts with a decision. The other ways to quit smoking will then come easier.

Smoking Cessation Tip 2 – Slow Things Down.
Smokers usually whip out their cigarettes the momen tthey feel the urge. The next time you want to smoke, slow yourself down and delay the process. Is there anything you can do instead of lighting up that very instant? Think of other things to engage in and leave your cigarettes alone for a while. This will help quit smoking.

Smoking Cessation Tip 3 – Get Rid of the #$%#$% Stuff!
Once you’ve practiced delaying the urge to light up, we suggest you quit smoking cold turkey. That’s right; just throw your cigarettes away. This will be drastic but it is a must. Get rid of your cigarettes. Throw away your ashtrays. Discard your lighters. This is one of the most important ways to quit smoking.

Smoking Cessation Tip 4 – Shake Things Up.
Rearrange your schedule so that your habits will loosen too. Eat at slightly different times of the day, switch your furniture around, and make your home different to what it was before. The mental effect is that you will acknowledge change, i.e., that things are different and you are no longer tied to the past.

Smoking Cessation Tip 5 – Distract Yourself.
The urge to smoke will still be strong, perhaps even stronger during this period. So whenever you fell like smoking, distract yourself with something – a movie, some gardening, a pet project, a jogging session. Just physically do something that will take your mind off the urge and onto something else.

Smoking Cessation Tip 6 – Carry Cigarette Alternatives.
You might want to arm yourself with candy, chewing gum, or even a toothpick. Whenever the urge to light up strikes, shove some candy into your mouth and start chewing instead of smoking.

Smoking Cessation Tip 7 – Celebrate Your Daily Victories.
If you get through a day without smoking, reward yourself with something – a favorite meal, a trip to the theater, a new book, a visit to the spa. It doesn’t have to be huge, just make sure you acknowledge your efforts with a prize.

Smoking Cessation Tip 8 – Bleach Your Stained Teeth.
Bleach your teeth and rid yourself of the discoloration that comes from smoking. A stained tooth is not nice to look at; imagine if all your teeth are just as ugly? This is another way to affirm your commitment to stop smoking. With tooth whitening, your smile will be better, your breath more fresh, your looks more appealing. Plus, you’ll be conscious of your teeth’s renewed pleasing look, making you think twice of smoking and discoloring them again.

Smoking Cessation Tip 9 – Think Positively.
Don’t think of what you’re denying yourself but focus on all the good things that are happening because you are quitting: better breath, better teeth, and better health. Think about the effects of quitting smoking to your friends and family too!

Smoking Cessation Tip 10 – Don’t Give Up!
It’s common for quitting smokers to lapse again and again back into smoking. If this happens to you, the key is to not give up. Continue with your smoking cessation steps and take stop smoking medication if necessary. You’re not expected to get it right the first time. If you fail and smoke a cigarette, don’t beat yourself up. Try it again. Continue to quit for as long as it takes. Good luck!

Ashley Truitt empowers men and women to increase their Wow Factor through personal development and
image makeovers. Get rid of yellow teeth stains caused by smoking with our wildly popular professional tooth whitening systems at http://www.novawhite.com/t/am6/

No other subject inspires as much mythological fodder as hypnosis. It is surprising that during the age of information that many of these myths still remain and that people believe them to be true. Below you will find the truth behind 10 of the most prevalent myths about hypnosis.

MYTH 1
The first of ten myths about hypnosis and the one that seems to cause the greatest fear among people is the assumption that under hypnosis you have no control over your mind or your actions. This is simply not true. In a hypnotic state you do become more conscious of what you are thinking and feeling, but you do not become a puppet to a masterful hypnotist. A hypnotist may use suggestive words to help you focus your attention in different ways, however, you do not lose your ability to think on your own or to control your behavior while experiencing hypnosis.

MYTH 2
Hypnosis has ties to satanic practices. Hypnosis has no ties to Satanism or satanic ritual practices whatsoever. Satanic practices are seen as dark and unseemly with demonic undertones. Helping people to improve their lives is what hypnosis is really all about. That is in sharp contrast to the harmful practices that most satanic rituals are comprised of.

MYTH 3
Once you enter a hypnotic state you run the risk of getting stuck in that state permanently. It is almost unbelievable that people still believe this, but there are many who unfortunately still do, but hypnosis is nothing more than a deeper awareness of what you are thinking and feeling. It is not another realm of existence as some would have you believe.

MYTH 4
You have to be a specific personality type to be hypnotized. Wrong! In actuality we all enter into a hypnotic state almost every night. When we go to sleep our conscious and unconscious mind meet and go over the days events or even over past ones, creating the dreams we experience. Even if after wakening up you have no recollection of having had dreams while asleep, research has shown that all humans and animals dream while sleeping.

MYTH 5
Hypnosis can only work for weaker minded individuals and not for those with a resistance to hypnosis. In fact resistance is suggested by many hypnotists so that individuals can recognize the experience as being their own and not a product of a cleverly skilled hypnotist.

MYTH 6
Hypnosis is just a clever illusion that has no real useful purpose. Magicians put forth illusions to confuse what the eye and mind are seeing. A hypnotist is attempting to clear away any confusion that is acting as an obstruction to a person.

MYTH 7
Going to a hypnotist when you can learn how to hypnotize yourself is a waste of money. Self hypnosis has its value and it can be a safe and effective method of self improvement. However self hypnosis can exasperate mental conditions and traits such as negative thinking, and this should really be taken into consideration before writing hypnotists off as a waste of money. Your overall health should take precedence over financial considerations.

MYTH 8
The belief that hypnosis wipes away all memory of the hypnosis experience. Your memory skills are not lessened by hypnosis. In fact, hypnosis can be used to help you improve your retention skills and as mentioned earlier in this article, hypnosis is not another realm of existence. You do not lose knowledge of whom or where you are or become completely unconscious of the thoughts and feelings you are having.

MYTH 9
Hypnosis can be used to force people to confess to crimes they have committed. First of all, if a person is not open to disclosing a fact, hypnosis will not make it happen. Hypnosis can help a person to feel comfortable enough to make disclosures, but this is still a conscious choice. This is why confessions made under hypnosis are can not be used in criminal proceedings.

MYTH 10
A very dangerous myth is that hypnosis is a cure all. Hypnosis is useful in conjunction with medical treatments for a number of diseases, but it cannot cure them.

Hopefully now that you have been supplied with the truth about hypnosis you may choose to look into how helpful hypnosis can be for you.

Scott White is a certified personal trainer and nutritionist located in Scottsdale, Arizona. For more information about nutrition and fitness, reach Scott at: http://www.personalpowertraining.net

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http://www.traineru.com

You may not be aware that you are practicing motivation techniques everyday of your life. This is initially seen when you force yourself to wake up early every morning to prepare for the long day ahead.

This is the same motivation that gets you through the tough day even though you felt that you cannot finish it in the start. And do you know what makes you make it through the day? Motivation. With this in mind, you are looking forward for the next day with the thought that you are getting closer to your chosen goal.

Sometimes you may feel like you just don’t have enough motivation to get you going. It is during these times that you have to remember some motivation skills so the going will not seem as tough.

What are these techniques?

1. Visualize your goal.

A goal is something that you can picture once in awhile or whenever you need to push yourself to do more. Take for example the process of losing five pounds. More often than not, you visualize yourself of someone you know who looks slim. That person serves as your visual motivation.

The best thing to do is put up a picture in a location of where you go everyday. It may be on your refrigerator door or beside the bathroom mirror. This way, you will be reminded everyday of the goal that you want to accomplish.

2. Reward yourself.

You may realize that you are losing some of your extra weight little by little. You can reward yourself with food or treats once you have gotten to your desired weight requirement.

You should promise to get yourself another reward if you get to the next weight loss level. This way, you have something to look forward to. Think of something that you really, realy wanted. That would be enough to reach you to your goal in the shortest time.

3. Write down your goals.

According to studies, people who write their goals have a better chance of keeping and attaining them. This is in contrast to just thinking and telling others about it.

Writing it out is like committing yourself to a contract that needed to be followed to the letter. This way, it is between you, yourself and your goal. After writing them down, put it somewhere where you can review and look them over or when you feel that you are losing track about where you are going.

4. Be confident.

Start wearing clothes that can shed off instant pounds. When you notice that there are changes in your body, do not slack off. Continue on doing what you have started and stay focused.

Show all your family and friends what you have achieved so far. Indulge in the praises and comments that they will give you. This does not mean that you need to stop and take it easy. Instead, it is a means that you are doing excellent and is halfway in achieving your goal.

These four motivation techniques are the ones that majority of people are using. It can be noted that these same techniques are also the ones that have helped many people achieve even the most impossible of goals. Why don’t you do the same?

Andrew Chin is a recognized authority on the subject of Motivation. His web site http://www.SelfImprovementsGuide.com provides a wealth of information on everything about Motivation.

You can’t get enough of something if it isn’t what you really need. This statement attributed to philosopher Eric Hoffer, is the basis of understanding all addictive behavior.

If you need something (perhaps rest), but think that you should not need it, you may stumble upon something that makes you feel better temporarily (perhaps coffee) and think that is a solution to your problem. However, no matter how much coffee you drink in an attempt to feel better, it only masks your exhaustion instead of providing the rest you really need.

Eventually, you get so accustomed to having large amounts of caffeine in your body that you need it to feel normal. No matter how much you have, it doesn’t feel like enough, because you don’t really need coffee, you need rest.

Everyone has similar basic physical needs, but our emotional needs are very diverse. An emotional need is something you MUST have for you to BE YOUR BEST. When I ask people to choose their top ten needs from a list of over 200 possibilities, no two people make the same choices. The more you know about what you really need, the more likely you are to be successful and happy.

Misidentified emotional needs lead to addictions too. If you did not grow up in an emotionally literate family, you may never have correctly identified your emotional needs. You learned to do whatever was normal in your particular family and if that happened to coincide with what you needed, great. If it didn’t, it was just too bad.

In fact, you may now find yourself repeating uncomfortable behavior patterns that seem to be a good idea when you were a child, but now cause you repeated problems.

If you learned to wait to be noticed and to be nice to others instead of asking for the recognition you needed when you were a child, you may still be doing the same thing now. But now you may be angry that others get more rewards than you do because they call attention to themselves, and you don’t.

Procrastination, repeatedly saying yes when you want to say no, and getting into relationships that hurt you are other examples of behaviors that are misguided attempts to get what you need.

Addictions to physical substances like alcohol, drugs and tobacco also start as attempts to get what you need. Unfortunately, the craving that develops from the use of these substances becomes a new problem that may be very challenging to solve.

Even when the addiction is treated, if the underlying needs are not addressed, those unmet needs will still cause distress. It is worth your time to understand your own needs and find effective ways to manage them.

When you do identify and accept your most important emotional needs, you can consciously arrange your life so those needs are regularly filled, giving you the vitality that comes from being your very best self.

Communicate skillfully about sensitive subjects. Http://www.DareToSayIt.com/blog
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. is a Master Certified Coach and communication expert. Dr. Weiss has spent 35 years helping clients resolve conflict in business and personal relationships. Email feedback@laurieweiss.com